I was in the middle of that tired debate with myself.

Do I watch the news or not?

I want to be informed. I do. But do I have the energy to cry again at the sadness, the violence, the raw footage of the worst of our humanity? Do I want to try to understand it, once again, as I have tried to understand this Covid pandemic, and what matters in the onslaught of conflicting reports that refuse to become valid, meaningful information?

Listening to the news has become much more than an update on what is happening. It’s become a personal question of what more can I take? Many of us are already saturated. We have absorbed so much that we’re not sure we can take anymore.

Do I have the capacity to listen to the details of one more atrocity? Do I have the strength to crack open those varnished soundbites? The mental acuity to look beyond the slogans and hashtags to the core of what those words mean? Am I perceptive enough to see beyond the shock value of headlines and video clips? Do I have the courage to examine my own biases and patterns of understanding?

Where is the narrative in all this chaos? Where is the unvarnished truth?

Is there one?

It seems like I’ve been asking this question since March 12, the day I decided to isolate in an effort to protect myself and my family from getting sick.

Then I read this statement from psychologist Nick Wignall:

You can’t be emotionally resilient if you are living in denial. –Nick Wignall

What? Is that what I was preparing to do? Skip the news and live in denial, a state that could prevent resilience?

Resilience, at least for me, is the ability to keep going, no matter what. It requires persistence, determination, curiosity, and a lot of hard work. It’s not fun, enjoyable or a favorite pastime, by any means. But boy it can give life depth, meaning, and most importantly, the ability to live fully, despite our circumstance.

In my life, it’s a requirement.

So if denial is going to prevent my resilience, I’m going to need to address it, head on, and ask the question:

What reality am I denying?

• Life is uncertain, darkened by unthinkable acts and unpredictable responses that are shaped by skilled and unskilled editors of word and film.
• Life is not fair, never has been, but this long look back into our exclusionary ways and pervasive attitudes is particularly difficult to absorb and admit.
• Life is hard, filled with mistakes, wrong turns and flawed thinking. Our ability to communicate has been our friend and our foe when it comes to examining truth, making wise choices, and behaving well.

Somehow writing all that down, so timely and timeless, made me feel a bit better. Then Wignall reminds me of the hard part:

Looking for opportunity in the face of adversity isn’t some cheap slogan or vacuous mantra – it’s a vital psychological skill. – Nick Wignall

Oh my.

So, maybe we have to accept our reality as best we understand it and begin the hard work of seeing the possibilities. For sure, it’s going to be a while before we can sort through this hot mess.

Meanwhile, how do we live?

These last few weeks have put me into a disorienting tailspin, much like the proprioception issue I had at the beginning of Covid-living. It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to write. It’s not writers’ block—I have plenty of words finding their way into a notebook.

But I’ve not been sure I’ve had anything to say. I didn’t want to write if I was out-of-step or tone-deaf so I’ve been listening.

Hard.

Documentaries. Podcasts. Panel discussions. Sermons. Webinars.

Finally, after weeks of dealing with my own mixed emotions, some of which I don’t even understand, I’ve found a question that has helped me pinpoint what I need. Author Kelly Corrigan posed it during a recent video chat:

Which of these three would you like right now: distraction, clarity, or inspiration?

Wow. That’s a question that invites an emotional selfie. Right? Go ahead. Take a snapshot and pick one.

For me, I think it’s clarity. I’ve certainly become quite skilled at distracting myself with household projects. And, I don’t think inspiration is going to help heal me at this point.

Perhaps clarity could.

So I’ve decided to dust off my courage and go for it, mentally fortifying myself to be a thoughtful consumer of news and other information. Growth is ahead. I can feel it.

Still, it can be exhausting.

Once again, Corrigan offers a thought that helps:

Exhausted? It may not be from DOING so much. It may be from FEELING so much. — Kelly

Give yourself that explanation, if you need it. I do. Don’t judge it, just learn from it. Most importantly, keep moving. I’m going to watch the news when I’m prepared and pray I have the good sense to know when to turn it off and go walk my dog.

Just because life is uncertain, unfair, and hard, doesn’t mean we can’t figure out a way to make it better. Maybe it’s time to remind myself of my New Year’s theme for this year:

That works for me. How about you? Have you struggled in knowing what to say? How you feel? What to do? Let me know what’s helped you keep moving. Together we’ll get through it.

And on we go…

P.S. I found another prayer from the archives to share from the spring of 1996. Thanks, Dad!