Yes, I’m back. Sort of. It’s been a heck of a ride since my July 13 hospitalization for sepsis. I needed my “medical leave” last month and appreciate your patience with me. I have so much to say, but need to get my life down to mild roar first.

Ha!

As I have struggled with resuming and sustaining my pre-hospitalization pace, I have learned that it usually takes one week for every day spent in the hospital to recover. For me, that is 17 weeks.

Yikes!

Although that information helped give me perspective, it didn’t do much for the drudgery of the daily grind. One of the hardest parts of healing, I’ve discovered, is the constant coping that must happen, that adjustment to life after a serious disruption that requires the energy-depleting “Extra.”

Extra effort. Extra time. Extra problem-solving.

What were once smooth routines have been wickedly interrupted and I unwillingly entered the mentally exhausting zone of “RE.”

REthink. RElearn. REdo. All in the hope of a full REcovery.

But recover to what?

What will I still be able to do? What will I need to do differently? How can I get my strength back? Is it possible to get it back or do I have to adjust to a new normal?

Once again?

Is my sun rising or setting?

Then a greeting card came in the mail that plucked at my tender heart.

You are BRAVE even when you don’t feel like it. You are STRONG even when you don’t realize it.

I clutched the card and its precious message to my chest before I even opened it. Deep sobs erupted, surprising me with their intensity as they called out the truth:

I don’t feel brave.
I don’t feel strong.
I feel weak, weary, and so very tired of disappointing myself and maybe even others as I find myself saying “no” to invitations when I really want to say “yes.”

I still can’t trust my body. New medications were started and others stopped that put me on a roller coaster of adverse reactions and unintended bodily warfare that continue to make my life unpredictable and limiting.

I’ve learned more about antibiotics and probiotics and blood thinners and skin breakdown than I ever cared to know. More importantly, I’ve learned to speak to physicians (and their assistants) in a language they understand so they will “hear me.” (I could probably write an entire book on that one!)

So for now, I’m pacing myself. Thoughtful Thursdays will be bi-weekly for a while. The clock is ticking on that 17-week journey that began on July 29.

However, I know my sun is rising, slow but sure. Thank you for your steadfast support and encouragement. You are part of my healing team and I am grateful.

Let’s go!

P.S. I am planning to participate (if my body cooperates) in the Pathfinders for Autism 9th Annual Run Wild for Autism 5K Race & 1 Mile Fun Run/Walk on September 29th. Reply to this email if you’d like to join my team for Madison.